Misplaced Motivation

"There is no sadder grief than that which lies at the bottom of a life that has been wrecked through deception"

~Lemuel K. Washburn

"An honorable man or woman is one who is truthful; free from deceit; above cheating, lying, stealing, or any form of deception. An honorable man or woman is one who learns early that one cannot do wrong and feel right. A man's character is judged on how he keeps his word and his agreements."

~Ezra Taft Benson

I feel the time is right for me to address the questions and concerns that have risen in regards to my motivation and purpose in my stance against the Kimkins diet and exposing Heidi Diaz. It is no secret that for the last year I was a avid supporter of the Kimkins diet. After all, I lost 100lbs. I was assured with absolute confidence that being overweight was far greater a risk than any I would subject myself to by utilizing this diet. So with much gusto and enthusiasm I embraced the teachings of "Kimmer" and touted them as she had instructed me.

I excitedly traveled to Los Angeles for the Woman's World photo shoot and believed with all my heart that I was helping motivate others to lose that dreaded fat through my actions. After all... Heidi had done it... she not only lost it but maintained it for 5 years! I was sure there was hope for me to finally win the battle of the bulge. I wrote my "How I Did It" thread again with enthusiasm and inspiration. All done with the encouragement and flattery that I was a "star." I was Heidi's cover girl and her pupil.

My participation in Kimkins was enthusiastic to say the least. So much so that the side effects/symptoms of malnutrition and starvation that I was experiencing I was grasping at every straw that I could to justify and explain what was happening to me. I went to my doctor to get a physical in July after being off of the program for 4 months. My blood work and other things all showed up ok and when I told my doctor about my weight loss... I simply explained it as "Lean proteins and veggies." He was fine with that, with only a passing comment about a high protein diet being ok for those who are "younger and more resilient." When my blood work came in ok I clung to that as validation that I was ok... however... my hair loss had still not slowed down and my menstrual cycle was still very irregular.

As the PR representative I began to do research with the rising "grumblings" against Kimkins and Kimmer, I felt it was my responsibility to "debunk" what I was told were misconceptions and misinformation's regarding the program. As I researched and began to delve into the issues arising in following a very low calorie diet such as Kimkins, I realized that I was not alone in my symptoms. I grew increasingly worried as I learned that the symptoms I was having were very much in line with those who suffered from eating disorders such as Anorexia.

Not long there after was when Becky left/was fired from the program. I had begun to see the person behind the mask. Although I had desperately wanted to believe Kimmer, and to question now was to go back on everything I had trusted in and based my life on for the last year, I knew that if I was to represent the company with integrity and present it (the Kimkins company) as an ethical and upstanding growing corporation, I must clear the air of the murk that was beginning to set in.

The last couple of weeks in August were agonizing for me emotionally as I gathered my thoughts and evidence for the questions that I had for Kimmer/Heidi. I knew based on Becky's experience that my asking would only have one result, and yet I still believed in the potential goodness of Heidi and I wanted desperately to believe that what I knew would happen wouldn't. However, my own experience was becoming a frightening reality and the questions within the boards of people becoming very ill and growing medical problems were too loud to ignore and the questions must be asked.

On September 3, 2007 while on vacation with my family and with many tears and great heaviness I submitted my questions to Heidi Diaz, knowing what the result would be for my "defiance" and inquiries. I have written about my questions previously but again listed for your review, I requested verification and documentation on the following points:

1) The safety of her claims regarding laxative use.

2) The claim that the program was technically "doctor approved" because it was based off of programs written by doctors, and a statement that a doctor's approval for the program was long overdue. I also requested a copy of the email that she had claimed to have sent to a bariatric specialist

3)Documentation that the program (being low cal) was safe "no mater if your 14 or 84."

4) The issue that had arisen regarding teens utilizing the website and her encouragement to continue on the plan when she had clearly stated that teens were not allowed.

5) Questions followed up with examples clearing the air regarding her identity as Heidi Diaz.

Here is the response that I received from Heidi about 30 minutes after I asked those questions:

"I understand that you're a person of integrity and it seems you've had a
nice life (meaning you might be a bit protected or naive -- which is nice!)...

...You will discontinue as Director of Media & PR. I have someone in
mind who can step in...."

In a following email:

"...I don't see that there's a future for you with Kimkins unless you can
come up with something that wouldn't jeopardize your integrity..."

So am I a disgruntled employee? No. Since I left Kimkins I have had almost daily contact with people who have been hurt. Physically, emotionally, and psychologically from this woman and this twisted eating plan, and I am deeply saddened.

Shortly after returning from my "vacation" I decided that it was necessary for me to return to my doctor and come clean with what I had actually done. If you have followed my blog you know what the results of that meeting were. With tears and grief I shared my story with him and his concern was genuine.

My side effects, however scary, have been minimal compared to the stories that are coming to me. My heart breaks for these people, and they are crying out for a voice. If I was spared greater damage to be their voice, then so be it and I am prepared to do that for them.

My last point is this... you may look at me and say "Well look at her... she lost weight, she looks great... so what if she lost hair, periods, whatever... she's healthy now and has maintained it."

I cannot stress to you how difficult maintenance coming off of this program has been. I will be further blogging about my maintenance strategy at a later date, but the price has been high, and the road so much harder than weight loss ever was. Attempting to repair the damage that I had done to my body has been and continues to be a struggle.

I am not backing down. Yes, I promoted Kimkins. Yes, I believed at one time that it was a lifesaver for me. Knowing what I do now... would I do it again? I honestly don't know. Like so many overweight people today I was desperate. However, my motivation was Kimmer. Her claim to have lost the weight and kept if off... I would want to ask those using the program now though... what is the motivation... where is the proof that you will be safe after you lose the weight and how will you keep it off? A weight loss journey is not just the beginning... it has a middle and an end; it is a complete change in your way of life and thinking. What kind of life will a cycle of restrictive yo-yo eating be though?

I hope that I have been able to clear up some questions that have been circulating around. Please know that my motivation, although misplaced for a time period, has never been anything other than helping others make better lives for themselves.

For such a time as this.... I am prepared.

Is it Economics or Ethics?

I know that I should never question or doubt God's timing when He brings His children together for one purpose. In light of the current situation with Kimkins and Heidi Diaz, I have spent much time in prayer, seeking guidance, peace and clarification in everything that I say and do. This morning was yet another confirmation that I am right in the middle of where I am supposed to be. Today's service was especially relevant and I wanted to share it with you as it is amazingly applicable during this time.

I begin today's post by relaying a story that my pastor shared this morning from the Word in Daniel 3. (Using The Message version for readability)

"King Nebuchadnezzar built a gold statue, ninety feet high and nine feet thick. He set it up on the Dura plain in the province of Babylon. He then ordered all the important leaders in the province, everybody who was anybody, to the dedication ceremony of the statue. They all came for the dedication, all the important people, and took their places before the statue that Nebuchadnezzar had erected.

A herald then proclaimed in a loud voice: "Attention, everyone! Every race, color, and creed, listen! When you hear the band strike up—all the trumpets and trombones, the tubas and baritones, the drums and cymbals—fall to your knees and worship the gold statue that King Nebuchadnezzar has set up. Anyone who does not kneel and worship shall be thrown immediately into a roaring furnace."

The band started to play, a huge band equipped with all the musical instruments of Babylon, and everyone—every race, color, and creed—fell to their knees and worshiped the gold statue that King Nebuchadnezzar had set up.

Just then, some Babylonian fortunetellers stepped up and accused the Jews. They said to King Nebuchadnezzar, "Long live the king! You gave strict orders, O king, that when the big band started playing, everyone had to fall to their knees and worship the gold statue, and whoever did not go to their knees and worship it had to be pitched into a roaring furnace. Well, there are some Jews here—Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego—whom you have placed in high positions in the province of Babylon. These men are ignoring you, O king. They don't respect your gods and they won't worship the gold statue you set up."

Furious, King Nebuchadnezzar ordered Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego to be brought in. When the men were brought in, Nebuchadnezzar asked, "Is it true, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, that you don't respect my gods and refuse to worship the gold statue that I have set up? I'm giving you a second chance—but from now on, when the big band strikes up you must go to your knees and worship the statue I have made. If you don't worship it, you will be pitched into a roaring furnace, no questions asked. Who is the god who can rescue you from my power?"

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego answered King Nebuchadnezzar, "Your threat means nothing to us. If you throw us in the fire, the God we serve can rescue us from your roaring furnace and anything else you might cook up, O king. But even if he doesn't, it wouldn't make a bit of difference, O king. We still wouldn't serve your gods or worship the gold statue you set up."

Nebuchadnezzar, his face purple with anger, cut off Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. He ordered the furnace fired up seven times hotter than usual. He ordered some strong men from the army to tie them up, hands and feet, and throw them into the roaring furnace. Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, bound hand and foot, fully dressed from head to toe, were pitched into the roaring fire...

Suddenly King Nebuchadnezzar jumped up in alarm and said, "Didn't we throw three men, bound hand and foot, into the fire?"

"That's right, O king," they said.

"But look!" he said. "I see four men, walking around freely in the fire, completely unharmed! And the fourth man looks like a son of the gods!"

Nebuchadnezzar went to the door of the roaring furnace and called in, "Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, servants of the High God, come out here!"

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego walked out of the fire.

All the important people, the government leaders and king's counselors, gathered around to examine them and discovered that the fire hadn't so much as touched the three men—not a hair singed, not a scorch mark on their clothes, not even the smell of fire on them!

Nebuchadnezzar said, "Blessed be the God of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego! He sent his angel and rescued his servants who trusted in him! They ignored the king's orders and laid their bodies on the line rather than serve or worship any god but their own."

So the question today is: What happens when the cost of doing business IS my ethics?

I wrote not long ago about specific questions that I had regarding the Kimkins program and its founder, Kimmer/Heidi Diaz. In my request, I emphasised that my desire and goal in that correspondence was to be able to promote the company which I worked for, with integrity and a clear conscience. But, the heart of the issue clearly and quickly became a very personal question. I had to determine for myself what would happen if I would have to give up my values to keep my job. This is a fundamental question, that really encompasses every aspect of my life. My pastor said: "Ethics are like water, they seep out in every area of our lives." When we begin to compromise and rationalize our ethical standpoints, it becomes easier and easier to make little compromises in other areas of our lives.

When faced with a "sticky" situation, it can be very easy to rationalize our behavior. Our rationalizations can entail 3 trains of thought. Sometimes one, or a combination of all three influence our decision making:

1) My economic standing: If I stand for what I believe in, how will I pay for my expenses? This truly hit home to me. I am a stay at home mom. I would be lying if I said I didn't worry sometimes about where the money is going to come from to buy groceries or pay the electric bill. I realize now that this was a baiting tool that was used against me. It was VERY difficult to walk away from my position with Kimkins because I had no idea what would happen financially. I was constantly reminded of my dependence on Heidi and my "need" by subtle comments such as "you're worth much more," "you're making more than 'person'" and "I'm giving this out of my pocket."

2) The EGO of my position: Do I continue to play the game, just to keep my position? I was the cover-girl. Kimmer's "right hand girl." THOUSANDS of people have seen my face and are counting on me to help guide them. Flattery is a trap, a snare to entangle those who are unaware and easily distracted. There is a distinct difference in my mind between a complement and flattery. Complements are sincere and genuine. They are meant to edify and encourage. Flattery is sticky sweet. It drips with ulterior motives. There was definitely an abundance of flattery being flung around.

3) My Efforts Sacrificed: I could not go backwards. I spent HOURS and HOURS on the forums, helping, offering assistance, encouraging, not to mention time spent on multiple other projects and responsibilities that I spearheaded and began; media contacts, kimmerwear, recipe contest, advertising, recipe box organization, maintenance program, public relations duties.

But, are those things worth the sacrifice that I would be making for my own conscience. What would I be giving up by continuing to represent a company and person whose moral and ethical practices are shady at best? In Heidi's own words:

"I don't see that there's a future for you with Kimkins unless you can come up with something that wouldn't jeopardize your integrity."

"Again, if anyone isn't willing to take a bullet for Kimkins (and why on earth should you), no problem at all."

What is my reality?

If I had made the choice to stay with Kimkins what would I lose?

1) Loss of my moral authority. How do I trust God if I take matters into my own hands? How can I encourage others to trust Him?

2) Loss of my self-respect. To take the "easy road" would be cowardly, a cop-out. When I began this blog, I titled it "The Journey" with the intention of taking "the road less traveled." I can not live in fear of what may happen by making the difficult decision to stand against the King.

3) Loss of seeing God show up in powerful ways. Taking shortcuts disallows God's power. The greatest stories are those in which His power shows up in miraculous ways. How many stories would go untold because of my short-cuts?

In the story, King Nebuchadnezzar required self-worship as a symbol of his subjects loyalty to him. You may say - well.... I will bow to the idol on the outside and follow what is right just in my mind. The idea being... I can do more good on the inside than the outside. But how many people will see you for what you are? No one else can see your mind. To them, you are still bowing to the idol.

The King said - If you do not do what I say, you will be thrown in the fire... I'm the king, I can do whatever I want to do."

Do you believe that "your king" is in control of your life though? Do you trust more in your economic or social standing than in God?

I do not. I know that I serve a God who is able; a God who will deliver me from the fire. I chose to stand for what is right. I refuse to bow to the idol and compromise my integrity for the easy road and to save myself from "death."

My favorite part of this story and analogy is this: I stood for what I believed in with my 2 friends... my Meshach and Abednego... Becky and Deni. We are in the fire. We are standing for honesty and integrity. But we are not alone. We have a 4th guardian. Thank you Lord Jesus for standing with us. Praise God that I have confidence and a surety that we will not only come through this fire unscathed, but He will use us in ways that we have not yet even begun to imagine.


This post is my application and summary of a sermon presented this morning by Pastor Tim Hawks of Hill Country Bible Church. You can hear the complete message HERE.

Maintaining the Status Quo

My dear friend Deni said that once she saw the Kimkins program as a speeding train. She was warned not to remain on that train and instead sit on her bench at the train station and wait for travelers to come off of the train. I too sit on that bench… and every now and then we journey down my road, stopping for a while to rest with our friend Becky at her tent… But then, I come back to the train and I am saddened at worried. I look through the windows and I see friends. Many of whom I did invite aboard with me. They are my friends, my allies, my confidants, my support system. But what true friend would I be if I allowed them to continue without warning them of the impending danger that is to come? The more I read and research the more I realize the grave danger I put myself in, and others in, through my use of the Kimkins diet program.

It breaks my heart that these people who used to be my friends have now labeled me as an outsider; a “hater.” I did not get my research and proof of what I found from “anti” blogs or forums contrary to what has been reported to you. Doesn’t it seem odd that “my friend,” the founder of that program would not provide me with the medical proof that I asked for? And I asked not only as a concerned friend, but as the Public Relations representative in order that I might represent what I believed in whole heartedly. But I was given nothing to stand on. No concrete to plant my feet on, as I desperately sought a way to defend my decisions and they way I had led my life for almost a year. Instead, I was left floundering in assumptions of my greatest fears, later confirmed by my own studies. I understand. I was just as disillusioned as you are trying not to be… maybe even more so. I was on the cover of a magazine telling the world of a program which I had assumed to be safe!

My friends I implore you, you have heard my heart. You have read my words. I, of all people, would be the first to jump up and shout to the rooftops if I could prove Kimkins to be safe for general dietary use! This is what I asked Kimmer for. I wanted to promote Kimkins with integrity and honesty. I wanted to be able to show without a doubt that it was a good program. But, try as I might, I could not.

I am a real person. I’ve met some of you, others I’ve spoken with over the phone. You’ve seen pictures of me through my journey, of my friends and family members with me. Please trust your heart. I am your friend, the one you looked up to. If you joined Kimkins because you saw my face and trusted me when I proclaimed that you too can lose weight, trust me again. You CAN lose weight; AND you can do it healthfully. Do not be pulled into the “comfort” of the train ride or a fear to go against the status quo… that train is headed for a ravine and the bridge is out my friends.

I want to leave you with this old story about a king. This king‘s life was saved and he didn’t even know it till it was too late.

A King and His Hawk

One morning when he was home from the wars, he rode out into the woods to have a day's sport. Many of his friends were with him. They rode out gayly, carrying their bows and arrows. Behind them came the servants with the hounds.

It was a merry hunting party. The woods rang with their shouts and laughter. They expected to carry much game home in the evening.

On the king's wrist sat his favorite hawk, for in those days hawks were trained to hunt. At a word from their masters they would fly high up into the air, and look around for prey. If they chanced to see a deer or rabbit, they would swoop down upon it swift as any arrow.

Towards evening they started for home. The king had often ridden through the woods, and he knew all the paths. So while the rest of the party took the nearest way, he went by the longer road through a valley between two mountains.

The day had been warm, and the king was very thirsty. His pet hawk had left his wrist a flown away. It would be sure to find its way home.

The king rode slowly along. He had once seen a spring of clear water near this path. If he could only find it now! But the hot days of summer had dried up all the mountain brooks.

At last, to his joy, he saw some water trickling down over the edge of a rock. He know that there was a spring farther up. In the wet season, a swift stream of water always poured down here; but now it came only one drop at a time.

The king leaped from his horse. He took a little silver cup from his hunting bag. He held it so as to catch the slowly falling drops.

It took a long time to fill the cup; and the king was so thirsty that he could hardly wait. At last it was nearly full. He put the cup to his lips, and was about to drink.

All at once there was a whirling sound in the air, and the cup was knocked from his hands. The water was all spilled upon the ground.

The king looked up to see who had done this thing. It was his pet hawk.
The hawk flew back and forth a few times, and then alighted among the rocks by the spring. The king picked up the cup, and again he held it to catch the trickling drops.

This time he did not wait so long. When the cup was half full, he lifted it towards his mouth. But before it had touched his lips, the hawk swooped down again, and knocked it from his hands.

And now the king began to grow angry. He tried again, and for the third time the hawk kept him from drinking.

The king was now very angry indeed. "How do you dare to act so?" he cried. "If I had you in my hands, I would wring your neck!" Then he filled the cup again. But before he tried to drink, he drew his sword.

"Now, Sir Hawk," he said, "this is the last time."

He had hardly spoken before the hawk swooped down and knocked the cup from his hand. But the king was looking for this. With a quick sweep of the sword he struck the bird as it passed.

The next moment the poor hawk lay bleeding and dying at its master's feet.
"That is what you get for your pains," said the king.
But when he looked up for his cup, he found that it had fallen between two rocks where he could not reach it.

"At any rate, I will have a drink from that spring," he said to himself.
With that he began to climb the steep bank to the place from which the water had trickled. It was hard work, and the higher he climbed, the thirstier he became.

At last he reached the place. There indeed was a pool of water; but what was that lying in the pool, and almost filling it? It was a huge, dead snake of the most poisonous kind.

The king stopped. He forgot his thirst. He thought only of the poor dead bird lying on the ground below him.

"The hawk saved my life!" he cried, "and how did I repay him? He was my best friend and I have killed him."

He clambered down the bank. He took the bird up gently, and laid it in his hunting bag. Then he mounted his horse and rode swiftly home.



I am swooping down again to knock down your cup… but will you put away your sword?